THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MEN: WHERE OUR HEALING STARTS: MATTHEW SOLOMON

[PHOTOGRAPH COURTESY OF MR JORDAN ANCEL] 

I am often asked during interviews, “What do I want women to know about men?” My answer is, “We are sensitive too.” While that has always been my answer, the more work I do with men, the more conversations I have and the more of my own work I continue to do, the deeper I discover our sensitivity is, and the more and more pain that gets uncovered. 

A less-kind version of that question is: “What is wrong with men?” 

I get asked that a lot too, and I get where it comes from. 

Women have been expressing their anger and frustration towards men for much longer than even the online incarnation of the #MeTooMovement. 

Our pop culture is riddled with displays of “men are stupid” and “women are smarter.”

We are portrayed as lazy, video-game playing, shut-down oafs who have no relationship intelligence, nor do we want any. And to be completely honest, I have spent time on that bandwagon as well over the years. My tune has changed drastically within the past several months, though.

 I am a man who believed I was hurt by men, could not trust other men and had to keep my circle very small. For the most part, we are socialized to be suspicious of each other. If we aren’t part of “the team,” or “the group,” then we are most likely enemies. This has us walking around wounded and on-guard constantly. 

In fact, the whole “healing” conversation regarding men has us set up to fail as well. 

We have been told we need to express our emotions, while at the same time being seen as weak for even having them or scary for showing them. If we express anger, it is scary. 

If we express grief, we can’t be trusted to take care of our partners. If we express happiness, we become vulnerable to outside threats; I have a friend in law enforcement who will not wear his wedding ring because he believes “they” will use it against him.

 We have come to a place where everyone is suspicious of us—women, other men, and most of us do not even trust ourselves. That needs to change for us to move forward.

 As I said, I thought I had been hurt by men. Unless I really knew another man, his beliefs, his intentions and what he stood for, I could not fully trust him. As I write this, I imagine this lands as a no-brainer for most of you as well.

 The times I’ve felt most embraced by other men have been in my martial arts community, certain seminar systems I have participated in, and most recently, on a yoga retreat. Within all of these groups, what has drawn me close and had me feel safe with others has been the sharing, the common ground and the beauty of a man who wants to do better, live better, and be better. When our guard comes down and we get to the heart of our individual experiences and pain, we form bonds with each other that are quite moving. 

The dichotomy, which as a man I also understand, is that we are still, currently, a species at war. It would be naive for me to say to all of us, “Let’s just ‘peace and love’ this!” We aren’t there yet. We can, however, move in that direction. We are, in fact, at war with the move in that direction. Can we be “warriors of light” if the word “war” is still in there? Language is tricky that way. For me, the answer is “acceptance.” The more that we choose “acceptance” over “battle,” the easier our paths will be.

We get to accept that we have been expected to:

be strong
get over things quickly
not need anything from anyone
be loners
be leaders
be protectors
be emotionally available
be the bread-winners in our families

And yet, there is also the expectation that we are:

suspect
not emotionally available
lazy
disconnected
not trustworthy
dead-beats
and on and on…

And these lists do not even address all of the expectations on us regarding sex and intimacy.

 Acknowledging the dualities, getting that we are all the same in having unique qualities and experiences, is the way for us to honestly come together, as brothers, with our sisters, and evolve.

 In a very powerful exercise from a seminar I participated in around six years ago, I got that everyone is afraid of everyone on some deep level. We are all wired to protect ourselves from each other—not just women from men and men from men. And in knowing this truth, I have worked at coming more from compassion and from leading with hugs instead of being ready to defend. It’s not always like that; I am still working on it and, truthfully, there have still been times where “defend” seems necessary.

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MR. MATTHEW SOLOMON IS A SOCIAL VISIONARY; RELATIONSHIP EXPERT; EMPOWERMENT COACH (WWW.COACH WIT H MATTHEW SOLOMON .COM ), COLUMNIST AND CONTRIBUTING AUTHOR FOR THE GOOD MEN PROJECT (HTTPS:://WWW.GOODMEN PROJECT.COM/ AUTHOR/ MATTHEWSOLOMON/); AUTHOR OF ONE OF THE MILLENNIUM’S PROFOUND LITERARY WORKS “MAN SCHOOL: RELATING WITH WOMEN IN THE #METOO ERA” (WWW.AMAZON.COM); DIRECTOR, WRITER, AND PRODUCER FOR KUNG FU MAN FILMS; AND A FILM AND TELEVISION ACTOR WHO HAS APPEARED IN OVER 30 NATIONAL COMMERCIALS, THE FEATURE FILM, “OPERATION TERROR”, AND NUMEROUS TELEVISION SERIES WHICH INCLUDE “LAS VEGAS”, “THE SHIELD”, AND “AMERICAN DREAMS”. SOLOMON IS ALSO THE WRITER AND DIRECTOR FOR THE AWARD-WINNING FILM, “CHATTER”. INITIALLY PUBLISHED BY THE GOOD MEN PROJECT (HTTPS://GOODMENPROJECT.COM/FEATURED-CONTENT/THERE-IS-NOTHING-WRONG-WITH-MEN-NDGT/) ON 13 NOVEMBER 2018 AND REPRINTED BY IN SEARCH OF FATHERHOOD® WITH AUTHOR’S PERMISSION.